I thought I didn't need therapy.....getting real about my mental health journey

At the age of 48 I finally decided I needed to see a therapist. Or should I say I am now ready for therapy. The timing of my decision is also aligned with National Mental Health Awareness month, which I believe is no coincidence. Yes, I saw a therapist 10+ years ago upon moving to Minneapolis just months after my third child was born and starting a new job after I found myself breaking down in my new doctor's office; however, those few sessions were only to address my immediate needs, never to dive into my past.

If you've been in my tribe for awhile you know that I have been in recovery from hypothalamic amenorrhea ("HA") for 4+ years and as a result of low estrogen from not having a cycle, was diagnosed with osteoporosis. For those who may not be familiar with this diagnosis, HA occurs generally after severe stressed conditions/situations such as dieting, heavy training, or intense emotional events, all situations that can induce the loss of a menstrual cycle with or without body weight loss and HA is a secondary amenorrhea with a diagnosis of exclusion (source: Pub Med). I'm not going to get into all of those details in this email but plan to share more on my blog in the near future. For the past four years I have tried everything to get to the root cause of my HA including, completely changing my exercise routine (no high intensity, running, etc), being less restrictive with food while still eating a primarily whole foods diet, countless medical doctors' visits, a hormone patch, functional medicine doctors, hormonal lab testing, acupuncture, energy clearing, modern therapy, meditation, yoga teacher training, books, podcasts and more. Each of these avenues provided some answers and assistance, especially the more holistic modalities, and each of them started to peel back the layers to get to the underlying issues. I have deeply enjoyed and benefited from all of the healers I have used, many of which have been on The Art of Living Well Podcast that I co-host.

In January I began twice weekly spinal network chiropractic care with the wonderful Dr. Kimberly Berkus to help reset my nervous system. After completing initial testing with Kim, I discovered that there was stress dysfunction through my lumbar spine and the nerves that go to my reproductive organs were in stress. She also informed me that the muscles along my spine were working very hard; I had so much energy held in my bones and muscles along my spine. She said that my total energy in my spine was over double what it should be in a healthy individual, indicating that my body is still in survivor mode; stuck in time and space. Although I am living a wonderful life and have an amazing husband and children, my subconscious mind still believes that I'm not safe. I've talked a lot about your nervous system and how often we are spending too much time in our sympathetic nervous system (i.e., "fight or flight") and not nearly enough time in our parasympathetic nervous system ("reset & digest"). Over time, spending most of our days in fight or flight or survival mode, can wreck havoc on our health and wellbeing. For some , this means an inability to lose weight, hormonal imbalances, disease, inflammation, autoimmune conditions…the list goes on. While I am in great health (or so I thought), there was one symptom that I hadn’t shared with anyone, which was my inability to take full deep breaths at times, in particular during meals. I am in good cardiovascular health and these occurrences didn’t happen during workouts but when I tried to fully inhale I would feel a restriction in my chest. This was something I couldn’t fully understand and in hindsight, I suppose chose to ignore.

Check out this blog post about self-care tips that can help and this post about ways to feel more grounded and at peace.

After a recent visit, Kim asked if I had ever seen a therapist to address the childhood trauma I made reference to during our initial session. While I had made quite a bit of progress, as evidenced by follow-up testing and the fact that I could now consistently take full breaths without feeling a restriction in my chest, Kim knew that there was more work to be done beyond the physical touch she provided. After receiving a recommendation, I decided it was time. After sitting in the therapist's office for just a few minutes I knew this was exactly where I needed to be; I needed to talk and cry and share my thoughts, feelings, emotions and experiences; I needed to feel heard and validated. I have been through a lot and although it may not have been "Big T" (big trauma), "little T" as it's often defined, can be just as impactful and create deep rooted issues for individuals that are body's retain. I am already excited for my next session on Friday and upon my therapist's recommendation started listening to a book that was already on my list to read called "The Body Keeps the Score."

I had no idea that my experiences could possibly be contributing to the way my physical body and subconscious mind were responding by way of my hormonal imbalances and HA diagnoses.

When I was in second grade my mother was diagnosed with bi-polar or manic depression as it's also called and was hospitalized for six weeks. Several years later when I was in the middle of my formative teenage years at the age of 15, she was hospitalized again for three weeks and spent several months at home in recovery. During this same time my father was out of work for over a year. While I have only vague recollection of her first hospitalization, I do recall a few key memories such as the yelling/screaming/crying and unusual behavior of my mother, the uncomfortable hospital visits, worry about lack of money and her spending what we didn't have and not having a "normal" family. I now realize that no one's family is "normal" and that our journey and life experiences contribute to the beautiful humans we are on this earth today.

I spent decades hiding from my past and the truth and only in recent years began sharing parts of my childhood with close friends.

There are definitely other circumstances from my childhood that I am continuing to explore, including my mother's immigrant upbringing and the shame that I’ve carried with me most of my life, that I have begun slowly shedding in recent years. After my first visit with my therapist she told me that therapy was the missing link I needed to make peace with my past so that I can be at peace with myself and ultimately my family. I had tackled all aspects of my physical body. What I hadn't fully addressed with a professional were the emotional wounds I had carried all these years. The feeling of never being good enough: smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough, athletic enough, rich enough etc. If you’re still reading at this point, I know you too can relate.

What all of this boils down to is my self worth. I have placed a value on my self worth as a human on superficial aspects of life: my physical appearance, material possessions, grades, promotions, achievements etc. What I am now on the long road to unpack is how I can be at peace with myself for simply being my unique self. Full stop.

I write this blog not from a place of judgement or blame on my loving parents. Given their own difficult upbringing and circumstances they were absolutely doing the best they could with what they had. I’ve definitely acquired many good traits from my parents, including their hard work ethic and appreciating the value of money and not being wasteful, all things I don’t take for granted. I am grateful that I have an awareness for these patterns, the ability to cut the cord on those that are no longer serving me and keep those that serve me well.

I’m sure as I continue with therapy I will add to this story as this unpacking sheds light on how I interact today with my family. I know that my behaviors with my husband and kids are not always moments to be proud of and ending these patterns is the motivation I have to do the hard work. I am looking forward to feeling this shame unfold and allowing it to be released and re-absorbed back into the universe.

So what does all of this mean? Life is a beautiful, complicated and often challenging journey to discover our true authentic selves. Addressing the patterns that you've kept under the surface for years that you know deep down you want to change as an adult is liberating. You don't need to be in a crisis or have experienced major trauma to benefit from therapy. I can already feel the benefit of getting to know myself better by talking through the emotions I never effectively shed so that I can see, feel and experience life in the present moment. There will be a lot of peace that comes from this experience and I am excited to embark on this journey.

I am grateful that mental health awareness is on the rise since when I was a child and will continue to be an advocate for all forms of therapy. We have dropped numerous episodes on The Art of Living Well Podcast with experts talking about this important topic, especially in teens and young adults given the events of the past two years. I am also very proud to share that my mother at the age of 72 published her memoir "A Witness to Two Worlds" to finally share her secret and inspire and help others struggling with bi-polar and other mental health conditions.

Wishing you love, peace and joy,